December was a tough month for me, I guess most of the issues I've been denying in the past just came up to slap me hard on the face.
Dunno exactly what's "wrong" or what's bothering me the most... it could be the fact that I'm getting older and I'm still stuck in puberty when it comes to certain things; it could be that at times I feel like I've lost my identity cuz now I'm Mrs instead of Miss, cuz now I'm the mom of and not just myself...
It's all bloody unclear to me cuz on one side I'm grateful for everything I've got, God has been extremely good to me, I cannot complain and I know I should feel ecstatic and unbelievably blessed... but on the other side I feel shattered, afraid, lost and even empty at times...
Last April when I visited my family in Mexicali, I realized how everything had changed, how much I had missed, how much I miss every single day. It broke my heart to know that my grandpa finally looks like a grandpa; that my mom is tired and in desperate need of some awesome holidays; that my nieces and nephews are growing so fast; that my cousins don't really know what to talk to me about cuz we've gone in different paths and we simply don't know each other anymore; that the only friends I have there are the ones I keep in touch with via Facebook or WhatsApp; that I've missed both joy and sadness, laughter and tears, that my choice of moving my life to The Netherlands separated me forever from the ones I grew up with...
Sometimes I feel I have no ground anymore, I'll always be too Mexican for Dutchieland and way too European for Mexico. If "Home is where the heart is" then I dunno where my place is anymore. Right now my chest feels empty, I feel homeless.
I hope January and 2014 bring me back to the ground, so far I'm experiencing a difficult start but at least I've accepted the fact that it was my choice and I have no regrets in that matter, I simply wish I could visit more often, that whenever I get the chance to be there with them, they could see how much it means to me to be able to visit and how much I like to pretend I'm back "home".
