Emptiness!

It seems like ages since the last time we talked, I wish you could just show up again. I have a hard time dealing with all this, I can't sleep, I can't find my peace of mind. 

I'm thankful for the time God let you be in my life, I just wish I could've told you more often how much you meant to me, cuz now you're just gone & it feels like all the words are stuck in my throat and I just can't seem to be able to breathe the same way without you.

If I could just know you're fine, maybe this whole bunch of feelings would be a bit easier for me to handle.

I dunno what to say, I just miss you so bloody much! My smile has faded away, I miss the bubbles & the magic you brought into my life. I miss my friend, I miss you, I really miss you loads ♥ 

In common...

There are many things that happen when two people meet; sometimes a kind of magic happens and those two fantasize about being in love.

I'd lie if I knew how many times it has happened to me in my 33 years of life, I'm only aware of 3 times, I guess the rest wasn't so important...

If I want to be honest, then I can only talk from my own perspective. To me falling in love has always been this crazy-magical-awesomely-weird moment. The kind of feeling that awakes other feelings, emotions I thought they could only exist in movies. Yeah, I've always been this silly-romantic-dreamy kind of woman. 

The times that I've fallen in love with someone, have all been pretty different, but they all have something in common... the type of man I've fallen for seems to be alike. Dreamer, funny, silly, adorable, in need of a hug or something like that...

Since they all have shared my "love" I happened to have shared their way of being, and here's the one I hate the most: all the men I've fallen for are kind of scared of facing me with the truth when I've asked them for it. 

I wonder why that is, it's not like my feelings can disappear in a second and turn into hatred just cuz of hearing the truth.

Today has been one of those days where I like to think of the patterns I've followed in life to be where I am. I have no regrets, every single thing I've done -either good or bad- has taken me to a happy place. I'm content with my life, although I can't deny that now and then I wish I could change a couple of things, just to improve my wrongs.

So, hmm funny how the men in my life shared not only a few memories with me, but also their character & parts of their personalities.  

        

Somewhere In Bubbleland...

Wish I could explain what I've been feeling lately but I guess certain things are better left unsaid.
I can't say that I'm proud of whom I've become, but I can't say that I regret who I am now either...

The way I see everything that has been going on lately, well I've basically just been enjoying myself, enjoying what life has been giving me; days filled with joy & happiness! 
I've been feeling so alive & to me that's something worth enjoying... A blessing!

Life's full of magic, sometimes we just get "lucky" enough & we're granted a ticket to a magical world. I've gotten mine, funny thing is, it took me all the way to Bubbleland. 
I've been there a few times, haven't gotten the chance to explore it completely but so far I'm loving what I've been able to see.

Like everything magical, I'm not counting on "forever", I'm simply letting myself go with the flow & embrace every single chance I'm getting; after all, Bubbleland it's just a magical world where I feel cherished & happy.
I know one day the magical bubble will burst, as all bubbles do, but this is not about sadness, this is about life & its chances.
I've always believed that you gotta let yourself go to find who you are & what you want, if all this isn't worth trying then I guess I didn't deserve that ticket at all.

Half of a soul...

I wonder where and when can I let this sort of emptiness fade away; ♪I feel it all around, the sound of missing you, the silence is so loud♪ (Wildboyz ft. Ameerah - The Sound Of Missing You), just wonder if these phrases show too much of me, if they let you see what I feel...

Wish I could put into words what this whole situation means to me, I guess I can't cuz there's a part of my soul missing, living somewhere else...

I promised myself that December was going to be the closure of this "brief story" but somehow it kept on showing up in my mind; I wrote a lot during December & January, most of it a secret conversation between you & my soul. I wrote you lots of letters, one said something about how it was time to accept the fact that there's no point on wanting the 2 parts to get together when each of them has taken its path in the world; sometimes I simply wrote notes, telling you I miss you, I wish we could talk. 
Yesterday I had a  serious conversation with soul while being pretty drunk. I guess she knows that even when she finally let go half of herself, she will always be able to find her other half in songs.

I'd like to be able to tell this story better, but I can't. The soul has only dreamt  of feeling whole once, aiming for a perfectly imperfect wholeness. One that was never meant for DO or DIE; a kind of ALL & EVERYTHING that could never be certain; something worth dreaming of... 
I wish things would've been different, that fear wouldn't have conquered your mind. I wonder what was going through your head to act so unexpected. All I know is that it really happened, it meant more than what you or me will ever want to admit. It could've been the beginning of a journey in this weird game where you win when you find your soulmate. 

Music... it always talks about you, they all sing to our shared soul... ♪You gave me more to live for, more than you'll ever know♪ (Jeff Buckley-Last Goodbye); the title of that one kinda says it all, right?

When You Wish Upon a Star ♪

When it comes to dreams I can say that two of my biggest dreams have come true.

Today's a very special day for me and I feel immensely blessed! My husband Getjan & I are celebrating 5 years of being married, but that's not the only reason to feel so happy. 

On the beginning of Sunday, 00:54 to be exact, August 28th God gave me the opportunity of witnessing a miracle, the birth of my daughter.
Since I was 20 weeks along in my pregnancy my husband and I knew we were expecting a baby girl, she became our Blueberry; we started looking for possible names until we found two that we liked Skylah Shylie.

There are a lot of things a new mom could tell about her baby, or about the experience of giving birth, to me it's all said with one word "miracle". All I know is that I spent half of my life praying to one day be able to become a mom, that I've struggled and almost given up on the idea; that God listened to my prayers and last December I was finally able to conceive and that almost eight complete months of 2011 went by 'til I could kiss the beautiful face of Skylah.

There's nothing on this Earth that can compare to the ocean of emotions I felt when she was resting on my chest after working hard with me to leave my womb.  

I started this post talking about dreams, I can say that God has given me much more that I deserve, He's given me a great man that loves me just as I am, a wonderful & hairy canine son, Weechee, & God has blessed us given us our daughter Skylah. The only thing left for me to do is to pray so both of my dreams have nothing but happy endings. 
Funny how someone can get all they ever dreamed of and more by just looking up to the sky searching for the right star.

32nd Birthday

On April 30th, 1979 my mom gave birth to me; that was the beginning of my life as Carmen Angélica Peregrina Carcach... now 32 years later and an extra last name I've realized that a lot has changed and a lot is still the same. 

Changes... well I moved far far away 'cause I married a redhead whose mother tongue is pretty uncommon, I live in a 3 bedroom apartment on the 10th floor on a town with a funny name that my mom can't pronounce (Uithoorn), I've seen places I used to dream of when I was little... *sighs* 

Still the same... I'm still grumpy, tend to say what I think or feel (yup good and/or bad), I'm complicated but easy going =P, stubborn & impatient...

I guess at the end, today what matters are the reasons for me to feel so happy; this birthday was much more special than any other and it all comes down to one reason, my Blueberry, my daughter...

Things might change or stay the same, but one thing is for sure, the love that I have for this wonderful little person growing inside of me goes beyond my imagination. Words can't express how much I love her father and knowing she's part of both of us, part of the love we both share for one another makes it even better.

This year has been wonderful, I might be older, I might be complicated and grumpy but I'm one of the happiest pregnant women on Earth at this very moment 'cause while I'm typing my daughter is letting me know she's there.

Blueberry

I've been waiting to write this post for several reasons, I guess the biggest of them was fear. Today I went to the doctor, today has become one of the BEST days of my life; why? Well... today I've heard the most significant sound in my world, the heart beat of my baby.

 There aren't words that can describe how wonderful & amazing those feelings are. All I know is that I've never heard something as beautiful as that. To me the sound is simply the most perfect symphony ♥

Blueberry is only 10 weeks old, but so much has changed since he/she arrived. I don't see myself as Angie the crazy one that can do whatever she wants, now I gotta think twice before doing something, now I'm not Angie the wife, now I'm Blueberry's Carrier... which basically means I gotta be careful, eat healthier (whenever the bloody hormones let me eat cuz gosh I can't stand sooo many things at the moment), think more about him/her than about me; for someone as selfish as me that can be difficult, but I gotta say that it has been easier than I thought.

Anyhow, I just wanted to share the news, this is officially the first post I do about my baby; I'm sure this is just the beginning of many more. Here I share the very first pic of Blueberrin when he/she looked more like a peanut ♥