You

Having you in my life makes me feel more than alive; is like having that last piece of the puzzle,  the one that makes it all complete. 

It's hard not to believe in destiny when I'm so sure fate brought us here.  

Every time we talk I feel this connection,  this need to be with you,  to hold you,  cherish you, to let you feel my body as I feel yours. 

Hearing your voice and seeing you makes it more real; the beating of my heart gets stronger, the blood rushes fiercely through my veins making me feel warm and in need of your touch. 

There are times when I'm shaking so much I can barely speak,  all I can do is feel,  let that connection between us take control and picture you here with me, doing every single thing we say,  letting you see my need for you, for your touch and this crazy kind of love are real.  

Hopefully fate will let us share more than just this, for I cannot conceive the idea of living my life without knowing how it would be to feel your desire buried inside of me, taking what's yours and giving me what's mine even if it's just for a brief moment in time.

Whispers

I don't remember much of your face, I guess time has shadowed your features. At times, I believe I've forgotten everything but the memories strike me again,  like a lost lighting searching for the lost storm… my mind finds those eyes filled with desire, undressing me and touching me, owing me with just one glance,  making my skin shiver,  making me long for your hands and their touch. 

The way your lips were half parted while your eyes were set on my mouth & your thumb was tracing my bottom lip making me exhale, trembling,  almost begging you to seal my agony with your kisses… 

Your nose inhaling my scent, your breathing & the warmth of our bodies still fully clothed but so naked in our minds, burning, wanting. Your voice whispering dreams, creating secrets & locking you in my mind, engraving your name in my soul forever. 

I might have forgotten your face but not  what you made me feel, your scent is still lingering in me,  drowning me, dragging me back to the nights where your arms were my haven. 

Hectic Thoughts

Note to "YOU":

Consider this to be a compilation of thoughts & feelings stored in the depths of my mind. 

The way we "met" couldn't have been more random, definitely a proof that destiny does exist. 

Back then I didn't imagine what you could ever mean to me; how a game, a challenging question and a silly answer would be the beginning of a new chapter in the book of my life. I'm writing to let these feelings get out of my mind, to let you read what I don't dare to share. 

I love you in several ways, especially when I'm alone. 
I love you all the time, every day since the -only- time I saw your smiling face. I love you ever since even though I shouldn't. 

I love you when you're busy, when you're distant, when you're away… I love you all the time cuz no matter where you are, you are here, inside of my mind, inside of my heart. I love you before I close my eyes when I'm ready to fall asleep. I love you when all these feelings gather in my head and I cannot sleep. I love you when I wake up and I start wondering if you'll show up. 

I love you when I'm busy and suddenly my phone let's me know you're there. I love you when I wake up and the blue light is on, huge smile on my face cuz you thought of me before falling asleep. I love you cuz you're funny, sweet and crazy. I love you cuz you make me feel beautiful.

I love you cuz your hands haven't been on me and I swear you already own my body. I love you cuz your mind connects with mine in a mysterious and magical way and I feel like I've known you forever. I love you even though you went away and I tried to pretend you didn't exist. I love you cuz I feel it's a blessing to have met you.

I love you cuz when you came back it was like if you have never left. I love you cuz we might not be meant for "do or die" but we were meant to "this".  I love you even when I know you're not being honest, I love you even though it hurts.

I love you in secret; I love you when I'm listening to music, reading or whenever I'm writing. I love you now when I know we haven't met. I love you now when I'm afraid to show you this. I love you in many ways, some might be good, some might be bad, but I love you with honesty. 

I love you in my dreams, the ones I dream while being awake. I love you in my fantasies, in my stories, in our messages.

I love you when you're with her or when I'm with him cuz it's not about them but about all this. 

I love you cuz you aren't real, cuz this version of you exists only in me.

I love you in the only way I know; I love you in silence and with all my words.

I hope my words aren't much more than you can take. I just got so many "I love you's" stored in my head and I needed them out. If this whole thing is indeed too much, just remember to be gentle as I'm not the kind of woman who vents her feelings that easily.

Deepest shade of blue...

December was a tough month for me, I guess most of the issues I've been denying in the past just came up to slap me hard on the face.

Dunno exactly what's "wrong" or what's bothering me the most... it could be the fact that I'm getting older and I'm still stuck in puberty when it comes to certain things; it could be that at times I feel like I've lost my identity cuz now I'm Mrs instead of Miss, cuz now I'm the mom of and not just myself... 

It's all bloody unclear to me cuz on one side I'm grateful for everything I've got, God has been extremely good to me, I cannot complain and I know I should feel ecstatic and unbelievably blessed... but on the other side I feel shattered, afraid, lost and even empty at times...

Last April when I visited my family in Mexicali, I realized how everything had changed, how much I had missed, how much I miss every single day. It broke my heart to know that my grandpa finally looks like a grandpa; that my mom is tired and in desperate need of some awesome holidays; that my nieces and nephews are growing so fast; that my cousins don't really know what to talk to me about cuz we've gone in different paths and we simply don't know each other anymore; that the only friends I have there are the ones I keep in touch with via Facebook or WhatsApp; that I've missed both joy and sadness, laughter and tears, that my choice of moving my life to The Netherlands separated me forever from the ones I grew up with...

Sometimes I feel I have no ground anymore, I'll always be too Mexican for Dutchieland and way too European for Mexico. If "Home is where the heart is" then I dunno where my place is anymore. Right now my chest feels empty, I feel homeless. 

I hope January and 2014 bring me back to the ground, so far I'm experiencing a difficult start but at least I've accepted the fact that it was my choice and I have no regrets in that matter, I simply wish I could visit more often, that whenever I get the chance to be there with them, they could see how much it means to me to be able to visit and how much I like to pretend I'm back "home".