Tripping

I've been  having strange dreams lately; everything looks so vivid, it feels so real. Anyhow, I don't know why but the constant thing in my dreams have been music. It's like if my brain was trying to tell me something but so far I don't seem to get it. 

In my dreams I've seen a lot of people that 'cause of the distance, aren't around me at the moment. The weird thing is that in the middle of the dream I kind of disappear and instead of being part of the dream I just see it like a movie. Suddenly the music starts and the strangest thing is that I wake up with the song in my head and then I hear the song on the radio while being at work. The weird thing is that these songs are kind of old and they don't play them that much, but the day I dream with one of them boom I hear it.

On Friday I woke up early to go to work, and in the last 5 minutes of my dream I saw someone I haven't seen in a long time, and then the song "Baby can I hold you tonight?" by Tracy Chapman was playing. I wanted so bad to say YES to the question I was being asked, but I couldn't. And the music got louder, and my heart got colder, I saw how the face I was seeing was fading and then I woke up. I felt really sad the whole morning, nostalgic, mellow, hard to explain... and then the song came on the radio at work and I started to sing aloud without thinking I was at work surrounded by people; all of the sudden I realized that one of them was staring at me 'cause a couple of tears were rolling down my face so I pretended I had a headache.

I wish I could fix me, I wish I could tell what's wrong with me but I can't! So I guess I can only keep on dreaming 'til I get the answer that I've been looking for. Keep on waiting for a sign and sing along with the memories of those songs that always take me back to a time when I was who I am not.

Que stress!

Desde hace unos días he andado que no me caliente ni el sol; las razones son muchas pero se resumen a una sola "mis hormonas". 

Ya de plano estoy hasta el gorro de medicinas y tratamientos que, ni funcionan, ni me hacen sentir mejor sino todo lo contrario. El caso es que el jueves de la semana pasada fui al hospital para otra de mis rutinarias revisiones y como de costumbre las cosas no eran claras, así que mi doctora (por cierto, muy linda ella) me dió mi papelito para que me sacaran sangre. El miércoles tuve que regresar al hospital para lo de la sangre; ayer viernes llamaron a Janjan y le dijeron que los niveles de progesterona eran altos y que debía esperar a ver que pasaba. Hoy en la morning ocurrió lo tan esperado, otra decepción, osea lo clásico en mi vida desde septiembre.

La verdad no es que me sienta muy frustrada que digamos pero ya estoy como que harta de tanto intento fallido, por lo que he llegado al punto de decidirme por parar por un tiempo y darme un break. Descansar un poco de tanta móndriga hormona sintética y por fin poder relajarme. Total, por algo pasan las cosas, Dios sabe cuando es el tiempo correcto de que Getjan y yo agrandemos nuestra familia.

En las siguientes semanas me esperan muchas cosas, tengo dos viajes en puerta, uno es surprise así que no puedo mencionarlo aquí pero el otro son mis vacaciones veraniegas con mi bello marido; nos vamos una semana a Egipto a un 5 stars resort, no sé si con plan Honymoon-ero ♪ea ea ea♪ o que onda... el caso es que ambos necesitamos un poco de sol en nuestras estresantes vidas ya que vivimos en uno de los países menos soleados del mundo. Espero poder agarrar un colorsito nice porque ya parezco pan crudo!

De plano no sé que es peor, si el tono de mi piel tipo zombie hambriento o la situación con mis mugres hormonas rebeldes. I guess both, but OH WELL, there are worse things in life!

Love & Friendship

Valentine's Day always brings tons of memories. There's people in my life that had made of a simple day, something totally wonderful; sadly some of them are not longer part of my life, but will always be part of me.

Can't help to think of my grandpa Pit who used to give me candy on this day. I can always smile when I think about him, he had a way of making me feel so special, kinda unique & I miss him deeply.

V-Day makes me think of 3 of my dearest friends: Idaly, Monica & Sulema. After all we've spent some Valentine's together, sometimes celebrating our "freedom", some others simply trying to forget we were alone in such a romantic day =P No matter what the reason was, just wish they could know what they mean to me; no words can explain how blessed I feel that I can call them my friends. Thanx for all the great times together, for the laughs, for the tears, for the "I told you so", for the pieces of advice that sometimes weren't really welcome; for the ups and the downs in our relationship that has keep us together since we were twelve, gosh, that means we've been friends for 18 years, WOW, we're officially old hahaha.

Lots of memories getting up together, some of them stronger than others... Yours is well preserved, maybe because it was my first Valentine that felt like it mattered. We're not friends anymore but that doesn't mean we weren't before. Thanx for being one of my fave Valentine's memory along with the TeddyBear & his Kisses.

Men In My Life

February is the official month of Love & Friendship, therefore, I'd like to make a post of 3 of the men that I love the most. All of them own a special place in my heart; they're part of me & I will love them forever.

To make this fair enough, I'll talk about them in order of age =D, which means I'll start by talking about my grandpa.

His name is Salvador Peregrina Mancillas, but for my cousins & me, he's simply grandpa Shava ♥. I love that man with all m y heart, he's such a example, kinda hero for me cuz he has achieved a lot of the things he set his mind into. I will never forget how he took my tiny hand when I was like 5 years old and we were at San Felipe and he taught me that I shouldn't be afraid of the sea. While everybody was having fun I was simply staring cuz I didn't dare to get into the ocean, he saw that and went straight to me, held my hand and said "Come, you're with me and nothing will happen, the water is really nice at the moment for you to be missing it". Grandpa has always been big & strong, so all my fears went away when he took my hand & we got into the ocean together. I treasure that moment deep in my heart ♥

Now's the turn to talk about my dad ♥, his name is Sotero de Jesús Peregrina Buelna, but everybody knows him as Güegüenche or Güegüe.

My dad has a free spirit, he owns the kind of soul that could never be tamed & that kinda makes me admire him. He's a very uncommon man, with a very complicated way of thinking & often, it's kinda difficult to understand him, but there's no doubt about that he has a great heart. My dad has had his own weird way of teaching me lessons in life, and I have to admit that one of the greatest things is that I know that I can talk to him about anything & he will try to understand before even thinking about judging me.

He taught me how to weld, which doesn't happen that often when you're a woman. I love baseball cuz of him & I kinda think we share the wildness in our souls.

Last but not least, I'd like to talk about the man that dared to share his life with me. His name if Getjan Demming ♥, and he happens to be my husband.

Janjan is someone very special, he owns an unbelievable ammount of patience; he has giving me the most pure form of respect in love. Most of the times I get along with crime cuz he kinda doesn't know how to say NO to me. We've had our ups & downs but I know there's no one else I wanna share my life with. Most of the times I see him as a big child, he can be the cuttest thing, very silly & funny, some other times he's like a grumpy old man =P but well, he loves me deeply & I'm very thankful for that ♥.

Janjan has a very unique way of dealing with my weird moods, he knows when I need my space & when I need a hug. He has forgiven my mistakes & accepted me just as I am, he's the reason why I try to change who I used to be & improve myself every day.

Invierno En Holanda

Hace días que he querido sentarme a escribir, pero francamente he tenido muchísimas cosas que hacer y no me he dado el tiempo necesario para contar un poquito sobre mi invierno aquí en Uithoorn, donde vivo con mi esposo y nuestro bello canino.

La temperatura ha estado entre 2ºC y -10ºC, sí hace frillín a veces, pero nada que un buen suéter, abrigo, guantes, gorro, calcetínes gruesos y unas botas no puedan solucionar =P

A mi me fascina el clima frio, ah soy tan feliz cuando está helado... al menos eso pensaba yo hasta que descubrí que te puedes dar tremedo porrazo caminando en "la nieve" (más bien en lo que fue nieve y ahora es una infeliz capa de hielo maligno) después de una larga noche de viento, brisa y temperaturas congelantes. Gracias a Dios a mi no me ha pasado nada, pero ya me tocó ver a una pobre señora que se dió en tutta la madonna; lo único que pude hacer fue brindarle mi mano para levantarse y preguntarle si estaba bien (bendito sea Dios que Weechee y yo estábamos como a 20 metros de ella sino capaz que cae sobre mi pobre perro =S).

En fin, tomé unas fotos de ayer mientras salí a dar un paseo con Weechee después de llegar del trabajo. Me divertí mucho haciendo bolas de nieve que el tontoleco de mi perrito correteaba y se quería comer =D; no hay nada como respirar el aire frio y limpio de una linda tarde de blanco invierno, ir a casa y hacerte una rica taza de Chai.

Esta última foto la tomé desde la entrada de mi depa, con todo y que ya tenía mis deditos congelados ^^

Del Olvido y Sus Muertos...

Ayer escuché que hay una razón grande para que lo que está muerto sea enterrado y con los años olvidado.
Que no existe la eternidad más si el final. Que todo, por más bueno que haya sido, tarde o temprano acaba y que es mejor olvidar que se vivió y que el corazón alguna vez sintió.
Que todas las personas que solían ser parte de tu vida y ya no lo son deberían ser tratadas como se hace cuando alguien muere... Le lloras, le entierras, te despides, le lloras un poco más y empiezas a olvidar.
Que quienes nos empeñamos en recordar no somos más que tontos en busca de fantasmas, que si bien, se nos presentan como seres reales, no son más que el reflejo de nuestro miedo a morir para alguien y ser también olvidados.

No sé que tan cierto sea todo eso, sólo sé que hay personas que simplemente no se olvidan, cuyo recuerdo será eterno aunque el tiempo compartido haya sido fugaz; que si otros los nombran fantasmas o los reflejos de mis miedos ha ser olvidada ha de ser porque ellos no han podido reconocer el valor de alguien que comparte su alma contigo. Que a mi me parece muy triste el borrar tu vida sólo porque ahora la compartes con otro entorno; que si yo recuerdo no es por miedo sino porque quienes han sido importantes para mi y ya no están a mi lado me han hecho ser quien soy y olvidarlos a ellos es perder parte de mi.

Ayer escuché mucho pero guardé poco; dejé que alguien me diera su opinión sobre el olvido y mis muertos, y traté de no romper el encanto de tan sincera opinión sobre mis ganas de recordar.
Hoy pienso como ayer, sigo pensando que es triste enterrar y olvidar sólo por querer cambiar. Que hay seres que dejan su huella y que pase lo que pase siempre vivirán en mi. Que no soy del tipo de persona que puede arrancarse un trozo del alma y desecharlo para después reemplazarlo con un nuevo recuerdo que será tan efímero como lo fue el primero. Que prefiero vivir en compañía de mis muertos y sus recuerdos que olvidar y decirle ADIOS a ser quien soy.

Scents...

I think we love or fall in love because of the scent of the other person (I guess I started to think that way since I read, my now favorite, book "Perfume: Story Of a Murderer"). There are smells that make me feel really happy, others bring peace to my heart & soul...

For example, I love the smell of boiling potatoes 'cause it reminds me of the kitchen of my grandma Lolita when I used to arrive from school; everytime I boil potatoes I smile & feel happy 'cause I think of my granny whom I miss deeply.

Fresh popcorn & toasted bread with butter makes me think of my grandpa Pit, it takes me back to the days we used to share in his house & all the times we laughed together.

Peanuts & beer remind me of my grandpa Shava and the great times at his yard with all the family happy & together, like in the old days when I was little.

When I'm doing laundry I always think of my mom, the smell of the softener always reminds me of her, it takes me back to my old home.

Tobacco, strong one, reminds me of my dad & his Raleigh ciggies.

Every single person I've cared for has set a scent in my head; some of those scents go with me everywhere I go, I carry them with me always, no matter what; some others come to me only in special moments.

There's a couple of scents that mean a lot to me, they make me travel & visit places I cherish deeply in my heart. One of them is the scent of caramel popcorn & the other the scent of strawberries. So to both of those yummie scents I just want to say that breathing you has been a dream come true, you're part of me & it's a pleasure to say I've loved you.