Blueberry

I've been waiting to write this post for several reasons, I guess the biggest of them was fear. Today I went to the doctor, today has become one of the BEST days of my life; why? Well... today I've heard the most significant sound in my world, the heart beat of my baby.

 There aren't words that can describe how wonderful & amazing those feelings are. All I know is that I've never heard something as beautiful as that. To me the sound is simply the most perfect symphony ♥

Blueberry is only 10 weeks old, but so much has changed since he/she arrived. I don't see myself as Angie the crazy one that can do whatever she wants, now I gotta think twice before doing something, now I'm not Angie the wife, now I'm Blueberry's Carrier... which basically means I gotta be careful, eat healthier (whenever the bloody hormones let me eat cuz gosh I can't stand sooo many things at the moment), think more about him/her than about me; for someone as selfish as me that can be difficult, but I gotta say that it has been easier than I thought.

Anyhow, I just wanted to share the news, this is officially the first post I do about my baby; I'm sure this is just the beginning of many more. Here I share the very first pic of Blueberrin when he/she looked more like a peanut ♥

Lately

It's been a long time since I wrote in my blog, the reason is simple, I've been really focused on something super important for me. Anyways, today seems to be a great excuse to share my thoughts.

Basically I just wanna say "Thank You Lord, for Your endless love". I'm going through a very important stage in my life, and I can't believe how happy & thankful I feel. Thanks to all the wonderful people that cares for me, thanks for being there & for sharing not only my laughter but also my tears. 

Love each and one of you deeply ♥

Blue Days...

Some say dates aren't important, some say days are just days... to me there are days in this month that mean a lot; today's one of those days, and more than sharing the reason why, I'd simply like to remember what lies in the depths of my memory.

On a day like today I discovered the deepest shade of blue ever; I never saw such color before that unforgettable moment...

The magic that wrapped that day carved its date deep into my heart, transforming it forever. 

Years will keep on going by, my heart will keep on collecting great memories, but nothing could ever replace that one. There's a song that says "the first cut is the deepest" I tend to agree with it. 

   

The News According To...

This post is dedicated to the man I love the most, my lovely & wacko hubbie Getjan.

Today Janjan was busy watching the news and me -as usual- interrupted his concentration to ask what had happened in China; my man -who's pretty annoyed cuz of the bloody flu- answer in a sour-ish super annoyed mood "I don't know, I'm watching the same you are" O_o hahahah, if it wasn't cuz I know him & cuz the flu is also killing me I would've made drama, instead I simply laughed, punched him on the shoulder & gave him the Mexican eyes that mean "don't be rude".

Anyways, going back to the main point... we were watching the news & this time I was quiet paying attention; the news were over so I starting sapping 'til I stopped in Travel Channel, they were talking about Jordan, Syria & Lebanon and we started one of our classic serious conversations:

Angie (excited and romantic): "Look hun, we gotta go there" right after that the image of a man with an AK47 appeared...

Janjan (in sarcastic mood but still feeling he's watching the news): "Right, we "GOTTA" go there..." 

Angie (feeling frustrated) "Argh, look at it from another perspective, it's beautiful (talking about the desert & stuff)" 

Janjan (being realistic & historical): "It might be beautiful but they're always at war, they support Palestine so you know how that is" 

Angie (rolling eyes cuz Mr. Know It All had talked): "I support Palestine too!" -not the war but their point anyhow- And here, exactly here was his brilliant comment and one of the reasons why I love him so bad ♥ 

Janjan (anchorman + smart-ass mood): "Yeah, you "support" Palestine but you don't launch rockets from your living room"  *PLOP* hahahaha, oh my God he made me laugh =D 

I wonder how the news would be if Getjan worked as an anchorman ♥ Ik hou van je Poekie, je bent mijn alles ♥

In My Thoughts Forever...

Dearest Boo:

This is the last time I write to you, not cuz I don't want to but cuz I don't have any other choice. Wish you could read my words & send me one of your classic messages, the kind of message that always put a smile on my face.

Four days ago while I was sleeping & dreaming you showed up in my dream. It was nice to see you again, it had been a long time since the last time we saw each other so I smiled & you did too. You told me "It's been a long time eh My? I'm glad we didn't fight this time. I've missed you"... How was I supposed to know I would only be able to hear your voice in dreams from now on. 

I'm so sorry for the way things went between us; you know I've apologized before for the way I behaved with you, I know I hurt you & it really sucks to know that you didn't deserve any of it. Just wanna say that I'm thankful & blessed cuz you took my broken heart in your hands and tried to mend it. 

Thanks for stopping by in my dream and tell me "Goodbye"; I never thought of this moment, it really hurts to know you're gone... I'm gonna miss you a lot, our e-mails, our classic fights, your crazy way of turning things around and made me feel guilty about arguing with you... I loved you & love you still, maybe not in the way you wanted but I swear I've always had. 

Thanx for everything Boo, the moments we shared will always remain.  

P.S. Do you remember how we shared our love for orchids? That was the topic of our first conversation ♥ 

Wishing...

I won't say your name not cuz I'm ashamed of putting it between my lips but cuz I know it's not needed. You're simply one of the people I've loved the most, I care for you & you'll always be important to me no matter how far we are from each other.

It hurts me to see you holding your broken heart between your hands, it sucks to know that no matter what I say your heart won't stop bleeding. 

Just want you to know that even when I'm not there to give you a hug and let you cry in my shoulder not a day goes by that I don't wish I could do something to make you feel better.

I could tell you the classic things, you know? The shit people always says when your heart is broken, but I know they're nothing but crap; old crap we both know well. I won't say those classic words this time, instead I'll just let you know you can count on me. I promise I'll listen without judging you & that I'll do m y best to draw a smile on your face. I'm sure the day will come when your heart doesn't feel the pain in such a bad way & when that time comes I'll be there for you, to laugh, to celebrate that the wound has healed. 

Love you lots ♥

P.S. Wish I could take away your pain & fill in your heart with joy. Just know I'm always with you.

El perdón y las costras...

Esta es la historia de una niña sumamente orgullosa a la que le costaba mucho, pero mucho trabajo el pedir perdón. No crean que le era difícil sólo por el orgullo, en realidad el problema de esa personita va mucho más allá del sentimiento de vulnerabilidad. Resulta ser que para ella el reconocer la metida de pata era algo relativamente fácil, es decir, cuando se le pasaba la histeria podía ver con claridad que había sido grosera o que había lastimado a alguien; aquí el problema no era el reconocerlo sino el poder expresarlo sin sentir que la otra persona quisiera restregarle en la cara el hecho de haberla regado. 

Esa niña orgullosa le dió por nombre a ese sentimiento "la costra". Las razones son simples; para ella el haber lastimado a alguien que quiere, venía -inevitablemente- acompañado de un sentimiento de culpa que causaba automáticamente una herida; esta herida empezaba a curarse con el tiempo que la niña dejaba pasar para poder buscar las palabras adecuadas y disculparse con la "certeza" de que su falta le sería perdonada cuando la persona afectada escuchara la sinceridad en sus palabras. 

La niña orgullosa repasaba una y otra vez la forma de decir las cosas y la forma en la que ella creía que la otra persona reaccionaría. Cuando por fin llegaba el día en que la niña tenía el valor necesario para tragarse el miedo al rechazo, y que se animaba a pedir disculpas de la manera más sincera que ella conocía pasaba lo que ella tanto temía. La otra persona empezaba por criticar el comportamiento pasado y  feo que la niña había tenido; ella aguantaba, trataba de evitar una reacción negativa porque sabía que en cierta forma se merecía esas palabras; pero como toda herida al cicatrizar hace costra, las palabras de reclamo de la otra persona eran como uñitas que que le rascaban y le rascaban a esa costrita formada. La niña seguía intentando soportar sin decir nada, pero recordemos que ella es muy orgullosa y el orgullo -casi siempre- viene acompañado del instinto de preservación que te hace subir la pared de la autodefensa, generelamente haciéndote atacar de nuevo... y lo que debió haber sido una disculpa sincera acabó en una costra removida que en lugar de dejar la cicatriz de la enseñanza y del arrepentimiento, deja una herida más grande que requiere mucho más tiempo en crear costra y ganas de mostrar el lado arrepentido. 

A esa niña la conozco bien, vive en esa parte de mi a la que le cuesta trabajo mostrarse vulnerable; esa parte que ama fingir frialdad y que se esconde en la trivialidad de su triste realidad. 

No es que no le guste pedir perdón, lo que no le gusta es que no la dejen intentarlo.