Half of a soul...

I wonder where and when can I let this sort of emptiness fade away; ♪I feel it all around, the sound of missing you, the silence is so loud♪ (Wildboyz ft. Ameerah - The Sound Of Missing You), just wonder if these phrases show too much of me, if they let you see what I feel...

Wish I could put into words what this whole situation means to me, I guess I can't cuz there's a part of my soul missing, living somewhere else...

I promised myself that December was going to be the closure of this "brief story" but somehow it kept on showing up in my mind; I wrote a lot during December & January, most of it a secret conversation between you & my soul. I wrote you lots of letters, one said something about how it was time to accept the fact that there's no point on wanting the 2 parts to get together when each of them has taken its path in the world; sometimes I simply wrote notes, telling you I miss you, I wish we could talk. 
Yesterday I had a  serious conversation with soul while being pretty drunk. I guess she knows that even when she finally let go half of herself, she will always be able to find her other half in songs.

I'd like to be able to tell this story better, but I can't. The soul has only dreamt  of feeling whole once, aiming for a perfectly imperfect wholeness. One that was never meant for DO or DIE; a kind of ALL & EVERYTHING that could never be certain; something worth dreaming of... 
I wish things would've been different, that fear wouldn't have conquered your mind. I wonder what was going through your head to act so unexpected. All I know is that it really happened, it meant more than what you or me will ever want to admit. It could've been the beginning of a journey in this weird game where you win when you find your soulmate. 

Music... it always talks about you, they all sing to our shared soul... ♪You gave me more to live for, more than you'll ever know♪ (Jeff Buckley-Last Goodbye); the title of that one kinda says it all, right?

When You Wish Upon a Star ♪

When it comes to dreams I can say that two of my biggest dreams have come true.

Today's a very special day for me and I feel immensely blessed! My husband Getjan & I are celebrating 5 years of being married, but that's not the only reason to feel so happy. 

On the beginning of Sunday, 00:54 to be exact, August 28th God gave me the opportunity of witnessing a miracle, the birth of my daughter.
Since I was 20 weeks along in my pregnancy my husband and I knew we were expecting a baby girl, she became our Blueberry; we started looking for possible names until we found two that we liked Skylah Shylie.

There are a lot of things a new mom could tell about her baby, or about the experience of giving birth, to me it's all said with one word "miracle". All I know is that I spent half of my life praying to one day be able to become a mom, that I've struggled and almost given up on the idea; that God listened to my prayers and last December I was finally able to conceive and that almost eight complete months of 2011 went by 'til I could kiss the beautiful face of Skylah.

There's nothing on this Earth that can compare to the ocean of emotions I felt when she was resting on my chest after working hard with me to leave my womb.  

I started this post talking about dreams, I can say that God has given me much more that I deserve, He's given me a great man that loves me just as I am, a wonderful & hairy canine son, Weechee, & God has blessed us given us our daughter Skylah. The only thing left for me to do is to pray so both of my dreams have nothing but happy endings. 
Funny how someone can get all they ever dreamed of and more by just looking up to the sky searching for the right star.

32nd Birthday

On April 30th, 1979 my mom gave birth to me; that was the beginning of my life as Carmen Angélica Peregrina Carcach... now 32 years later and an extra last name I've realized that a lot has changed and a lot is still the same. 

Changes... well I moved far far away 'cause I married a redhead whose mother tongue is pretty uncommon, I live in a 3 bedroom apartment on the 10th floor on a town with a funny name that my mom can't pronounce (Uithoorn), I've seen places I used to dream of when I was little... *sighs* 

Still the same... I'm still grumpy, tend to say what I think or feel (yup good and/or bad), I'm complicated but easy going =P, stubborn & impatient...

I guess at the end, today what matters are the reasons for me to feel so happy; this birthday was much more special than any other and it all comes down to one reason, my Blueberry, my daughter...

Things might change or stay the same, but one thing is for sure, the love that I have for this wonderful little person growing inside of me goes beyond my imagination. Words can't express how much I love her father and knowing she's part of both of us, part of the love we both share for one another makes it even better.

This year has been wonderful, I might be older, I might be complicated and grumpy but I'm one of the happiest pregnant women on Earth at this very moment 'cause while I'm typing my daughter is letting me know she's there.

Blueberry

I've been waiting to write this post for several reasons, I guess the biggest of them was fear. Today I went to the doctor, today has become one of the BEST days of my life; why? Well... today I've heard the most significant sound in my world, the heart beat of my baby.

 There aren't words that can describe how wonderful & amazing those feelings are. All I know is that I've never heard something as beautiful as that. To me the sound is simply the most perfect symphony ♥

Blueberry is only 10 weeks old, but so much has changed since he/she arrived. I don't see myself as Angie the crazy one that can do whatever she wants, now I gotta think twice before doing something, now I'm not Angie the wife, now I'm Blueberry's Carrier... which basically means I gotta be careful, eat healthier (whenever the bloody hormones let me eat cuz gosh I can't stand sooo many things at the moment), think more about him/her than about me; for someone as selfish as me that can be difficult, but I gotta say that it has been easier than I thought.

Anyhow, I just wanted to share the news, this is officially the first post I do about my baby; I'm sure this is just the beginning of many more. Here I share the very first pic of Blueberrin when he/she looked more like a peanut ♥

Lately

It's been a long time since I wrote in my blog, the reason is simple, I've been really focused on something super important for me. Anyways, today seems to be a great excuse to share my thoughts.

Basically I just wanna say "Thank You Lord, for Your endless love". I'm going through a very important stage in my life, and I can't believe how happy & thankful I feel. Thanks to all the wonderful people that cares for me, thanks for being there & for sharing not only my laughter but also my tears. 

Love each and one of you deeply ♥

Blue Days...

Some say dates aren't important, some say days are just days... to me there are days in this month that mean a lot; today's one of those days, and more than sharing the reason why, I'd simply like to remember what lies in the depths of my memory.

On a day like today I discovered the deepest shade of blue ever; I never saw such color before that unforgettable moment...

The magic that wrapped that day carved its date deep into my heart, transforming it forever. 

Years will keep on going by, my heart will keep on collecting great memories, but nothing could ever replace that one. There's a song that says "the first cut is the deepest" I tend to agree with it. 

   

The News According To...

This post is dedicated to the man I love the most, my lovely & wacko hubbie Getjan.

Today Janjan was busy watching the news and me -as usual- interrupted his concentration to ask what had happened in China; my man -who's pretty annoyed cuz of the bloody flu- answer in a sour-ish super annoyed mood "I don't know, I'm watching the same you are" O_o hahahah, if it wasn't cuz I know him & cuz the flu is also killing me I would've made drama, instead I simply laughed, punched him on the shoulder & gave him the Mexican eyes that mean "don't be rude".

Anyways, going back to the main point... we were watching the news & this time I was quiet paying attention; the news were over so I starting sapping 'til I stopped in Travel Channel, they were talking about Jordan, Syria & Lebanon and we started one of our classic serious conversations:

Angie (excited and romantic): "Look hun, we gotta go there" right after that the image of a man with an AK47 appeared...

Janjan (in sarcastic mood but still feeling he's watching the news): "Right, we "GOTTA" go there..." 

Angie (feeling frustrated) "Argh, look at it from another perspective, it's beautiful (talking about the desert & stuff)" 

Janjan (being realistic & historical): "It might be beautiful but they're always at war, they support Palestine so you know how that is" 

Angie (rolling eyes cuz Mr. Know It All had talked): "I support Palestine too!" -not the war but their point anyhow- And here, exactly here was his brilliant comment and one of the reasons why I love him so bad ♥ 

Janjan (anchorman + smart-ass mood): "Yeah, you "support" Palestine but you don't launch rockets from your living room"  *PLOP* hahahaha, oh my God he made me laugh =D 

I wonder how the news would be if Getjan worked as an anchorman ♥ Ik hou van je Poekie, je bent mijn alles ♥