Lately

It's been a long time since I wrote in my blog, the reason is simple, I've been really focused on something super important for me. Anyways, today seems to be a great excuse to share my thoughts.

Basically I just wanna say "Thank You Lord, for Your endless love". I'm going through a very important stage in my life, and I can't believe how happy & thankful I feel. Thanks to all the wonderful people that cares for me, thanks for being there & for sharing not only my laughter but also my tears. 

Love each and one of you deeply ♥

Blue Days...

Some say dates aren't important, some say days are just days... to me there are days in this month that mean a lot; today's one of those days, and more than sharing the reason why, I'd simply like to remember what lies in the depths of my memory.

On a day like today I discovered the deepest shade of blue ever; I never saw such color before that unforgettable moment...

The magic that wrapped that day carved its date deep into my heart, transforming it forever. 

Years will keep on going by, my heart will keep on collecting great memories, but nothing could ever replace that one. There's a song that says "the first cut is the deepest" I tend to agree with it. 

   

The News According To...

This post is dedicated to the man I love the most, my lovely & wacko hubbie Getjan.

Today Janjan was busy watching the news and me -as usual- interrupted his concentration to ask what had happened in China; my man -who's pretty annoyed cuz of the bloody flu- answer in a sour-ish super annoyed mood "I don't know, I'm watching the same you are" O_o hahahah, if it wasn't cuz I know him & cuz the flu is also killing me I would've made drama, instead I simply laughed, punched him on the shoulder & gave him the Mexican eyes that mean "don't be rude".

Anyways, going back to the main point... we were watching the news & this time I was quiet paying attention; the news were over so I starting sapping 'til I stopped in Travel Channel, they were talking about Jordan, Syria & Lebanon and we started one of our classic serious conversations:

Angie (excited and romantic): "Look hun, we gotta go there" right after that the image of a man with an AK47 appeared...

Janjan (in sarcastic mood but still feeling he's watching the news): "Right, we "GOTTA" go there..." 

Angie (feeling frustrated) "Argh, look at it from another perspective, it's beautiful (talking about the desert & stuff)" 

Janjan (being realistic & historical): "It might be beautiful but they're always at war, they support Palestine so you know how that is" 

Angie (rolling eyes cuz Mr. Know It All had talked): "I support Palestine too!" -not the war but their point anyhow- And here, exactly here was his brilliant comment and one of the reasons why I love him so bad ♥ 

Janjan (anchorman + smart-ass mood): "Yeah, you "support" Palestine but you don't launch rockets from your living room"  *PLOP* hahahaha, oh my God he made me laugh =D 

I wonder how the news would be if Getjan worked as an anchorman ♥ Ik hou van je Poekie, je bent mijn alles ♥

In My Thoughts Forever...

Dearest Boo:

This is the last time I write to you, not cuz I don't want to but cuz I don't have any other choice. Wish you could read my words & send me one of your classic messages, the kind of message that always put a smile on my face.

Four days ago while I was sleeping & dreaming you showed up in my dream. It was nice to see you again, it had been a long time since the last time we saw each other so I smiled & you did too. You told me "It's been a long time eh My? I'm glad we didn't fight this time. I've missed you"... How was I supposed to know I would only be able to hear your voice in dreams from now on. 

I'm so sorry for the way things went between us; you know I've apologized before for the way I behaved with you, I know I hurt you & it really sucks to know that you didn't deserve any of it. Just wanna say that I'm thankful & blessed cuz you took my broken heart in your hands and tried to mend it. 

Thanks for stopping by in my dream and tell me "Goodbye"; I never thought of this moment, it really hurts to know you're gone... I'm gonna miss you a lot, our e-mails, our classic fights, your crazy way of turning things around and made me feel guilty about arguing with you... I loved you & love you still, maybe not in the way you wanted but I swear I've always had. 

Thanx for everything Boo, the moments we shared will always remain.  

P.S. Do you remember how we shared our love for orchids? That was the topic of our first conversation ♥ 

Wishing...

I won't say your name not cuz I'm ashamed of putting it between my lips but cuz I know it's not needed. You're simply one of the people I've loved the most, I care for you & you'll always be important to me no matter how far we are from each other.

It hurts me to see you holding your broken heart between your hands, it sucks to know that no matter what I say your heart won't stop bleeding. 

Just want you to know that even when I'm not there to give you a hug and let you cry in my shoulder not a day goes by that I don't wish I could do something to make you feel better.

I could tell you the classic things, you know? The shit people always says when your heart is broken, but I know they're nothing but crap; old crap we both know well. I won't say those classic words this time, instead I'll just let you know you can count on me. I promise I'll listen without judging you & that I'll do m y best to draw a smile on your face. I'm sure the day will come when your heart doesn't feel the pain in such a bad way & when that time comes I'll be there for you, to laugh, to celebrate that the wound has healed. 

Love you lots ♥

P.S. Wish I could take away your pain & fill in your heart with joy. Just know I'm always with you.

El perdón y las costras...

Esta es la historia de una niña sumamente orgullosa a la que le costaba mucho, pero mucho trabajo el pedir perdón. No crean que le era difícil sólo por el orgullo, en realidad el problema de esa personita va mucho más allá del sentimiento de vulnerabilidad. Resulta ser que para ella el reconocer la metida de pata era algo relativamente fácil, es decir, cuando se le pasaba la histeria podía ver con claridad que había sido grosera o que había lastimado a alguien; aquí el problema no era el reconocerlo sino el poder expresarlo sin sentir que la otra persona quisiera restregarle en la cara el hecho de haberla regado. 

Esa niña orgullosa le dió por nombre a ese sentimiento "la costra". Las razones son simples; para ella el haber lastimado a alguien que quiere, venía -inevitablemente- acompañado de un sentimiento de culpa que causaba automáticamente una herida; esta herida empezaba a curarse con el tiempo que la niña dejaba pasar para poder buscar las palabras adecuadas y disculparse con la "certeza" de que su falta le sería perdonada cuando la persona afectada escuchara la sinceridad en sus palabras. 

La niña orgullosa repasaba una y otra vez la forma de decir las cosas y la forma en la que ella creía que la otra persona reaccionaría. Cuando por fin llegaba el día en que la niña tenía el valor necesario para tragarse el miedo al rechazo, y que se animaba a pedir disculpas de la manera más sincera que ella conocía pasaba lo que ella tanto temía. La otra persona empezaba por criticar el comportamiento pasado y  feo que la niña había tenido; ella aguantaba, trataba de evitar una reacción negativa porque sabía que en cierta forma se merecía esas palabras; pero como toda herida al cicatrizar hace costra, las palabras de reclamo de la otra persona eran como uñitas que que le rascaban y le rascaban a esa costrita formada. La niña seguía intentando soportar sin decir nada, pero recordemos que ella es muy orgullosa y el orgullo -casi siempre- viene acompañado del instinto de preservación que te hace subir la pared de la autodefensa, generelamente haciéndote atacar de nuevo... y lo que debió haber sido una disculpa sincera acabó en una costra removida que en lugar de dejar la cicatriz de la enseñanza y del arrepentimiento, deja una herida más grande que requiere mucho más tiempo en crear costra y ganas de mostrar el lado arrepentido. 

A esa niña la conozco bien, vive en esa parte de mi a la que le cuesta trabajo mostrarse vulnerable; esa parte que ama fingir frialdad y que se esconde en la trivialidad de su triste realidad. 

No es que no le guste pedir perdón, lo que no le gusta es que no la dejen intentarlo.

Mexicali

Hoy escribo desde la tierra que me vió nacer, el lugar en donde viví por 27 años, mi bello Mexicali.

Alguna vez alguien me dijo que vivir en Mexicali era igual que vivir en el infierno -por aquello del calor- pero yo no estoy de acuerdo con eso. Esta ciudad es bella por muchas cosas, pero más que nada por su gente y el ambiente playero (entiéndase que todo aquí es en plan relax).

Acá la vida no es sólo la rutina diaria, y aunque los cachanillas nos quejamos de que no hay mucho que hacer en las tardes, al menos las tiendas están abiertas en la noche y los Oxxo no fallan cuando uno se olvidó de algo. Hay mil cosas que ir a comer en la madrugada después de haber pisteado y la posibilidad de ver muchas estrellas en la noche.

Si bien es verdad que el clima del desierto puede ser canijo, Mexicali tiene el cielo más hermoso que jamás haya yo visto. En el verano los colores que se ven en el cielo son maravillosos, llenos de brillo, con tonos en rojo, morado, anaranjado, amarillo y azul. Nunca he visto la luna tan grande como la he visto aquí. Quizá ahora que vivo en otra ciudad, en un país muy lejos del mio he aprendido a apreciar la belleza de mi tierra.

Extraño las montañas, las noches llenas de estrellas y la luna grandota como queso. Extraño manejar por las noches con la ventana abierta y oler los tacos de carne asada en los puestos o que llegue el domingo y ver que las familias se reunan. Extraño muchas cosas de Mexicali que igual y para quienes aún viven aquí no son importantes.

Ahora sólo vengo de visita, esta ciudad ya no es mi hogar, pero no por ello la dejo de querer. Aquí está la mayoría de mi familia, aquí viven mis mejores amigas, aquí aprendí a vivir, a amar, a ser feliz; aquí supe lo que era soñar.

En mi nuevo hogar aprendí lo que es extrañar de verdad, aprendí que recordar es revivir, aprendí que debo disfrutar cada uno de los momentos que vivo porque todo es efímero y que aunque ya soy parte de quienes no son ni de aquí ni de allá aprendí que mis raíces están aquí, que no importa en donde forme a mi familia siempre y cuando no olvide de donde vengo.

Este viaje ha sido algo catártico, el haber venido sola me ha ayudado a ver las cosas que siento desde una perspectiva distinta, a darme cuenta de que quiero y quien soy y eso me hace muy feliz. No quisiera que se me terminara el tiempo aquí y al mismo tiempo ya quiero irme a casa.

Tripping

I've been  having strange dreams lately; everything looks so vivid, it feels so real. Anyhow, I don't know why but the constant thing in my dreams have been music. It's like if my brain was trying to tell me something but so far I don't seem to get it. 

In my dreams I've seen a lot of people that 'cause of the distance, aren't around me at the moment. The weird thing is that in the middle of the dream I kind of disappear and instead of being part of the dream I just see it like a movie. Suddenly the music starts and the strangest thing is that I wake up with the song in my head and then I hear the song on the radio while being at work. The weird thing is that these songs are kind of old and they don't play them that much, but the day I dream with one of them boom I hear it.

On Friday I woke up early to go to work, and in the last 5 minutes of my dream I saw someone I haven't seen in a long time, and then the song "Baby can I hold you tonight?" by Tracy Chapman was playing. I wanted so bad to say YES to the question I was being asked, but I couldn't. And the music got louder, and my heart got colder, I saw how the face I was seeing was fading and then I woke up. I felt really sad the whole morning, nostalgic, mellow, hard to explain... and then the song came on the radio at work and I started to sing aloud without thinking I was at work surrounded by people; all of the sudden I realized that one of them was staring at me 'cause a couple of tears were rolling down my face so I pretended I had a headache.

I wish I could fix me, I wish I could tell what's wrong with me but I can't! So I guess I can only keep on dreaming 'til I get the answer that I've been looking for. Keep on waiting for a sign and sing along with the memories of those songs that always take me back to a time when I was who I am not.

Que stress!

Desde hace unos días he andado que no me caliente ni el sol; las razones son muchas pero se resumen a una sola "mis hormonas". 

Ya de plano estoy hasta el gorro de medicinas y tratamientos que, ni funcionan, ni me hacen sentir mejor sino todo lo contrario. El caso es que el jueves de la semana pasada fui al hospital para otra de mis rutinarias revisiones y como de costumbre las cosas no eran claras, así que mi doctora (por cierto, muy linda ella) me dió mi papelito para que me sacaran sangre. El miércoles tuve que regresar al hospital para lo de la sangre; ayer viernes llamaron a Janjan y le dijeron que los niveles de progesterona eran altos y que debía esperar a ver que pasaba. Hoy en la morning ocurrió lo tan esperado, otra decepción, osea lo clásico en mi vida desde septiembre.

La verdad no es que me sienta muy frustrada que digamos pero ya estoy como que harta de tanto intento fallido, por lo que he llegado al punto de decidirme por parar por un tiempo y darme un break. Descansar un poco de tanta móndriga hormona sintética y por fin poder relajarme. Total, por algo pasan las cosas, Dios sabe cuando es el tiempo correcto de que Getjan y yo agrandemos nuestra familia.

En las siguientes semanas me esperan muchas cosas, tengo dos viajes en puerta, uno es surprise así que no puedo mencionarlo aquí pero el otro son mis vacaciones veraniegas con mi bello marido; nos vamos una semana a Egipto a un 5 stars resort, no sé si con plan Honymoon-ero ♪ea ea ea♪ o que onda... el caso es que ambos necesitamos un poco de sol en nuestras estresantes vidas ya que vivimos en uno de los países menos soleados del mundo. Espero poder agarrar un colorsito nice porque ya parezco pan crudo!

De plano no sé que es peor, si el tono de mi piel tipo zombie hambriento o la situación con mis mugres hormonas rebeldes. I guess both, but OH WELL, there are worse things in life!

Love & Friendship

Valentine's Day always brings tons of memories. There's people in my life that had made of a simple day, something totally wonderful; sadly some of them are not longer part of my life, but will always be part of me.

Can't help to think of my grandpa Pit who used to give me candy on this day. I can always smile when I think about him, he had a way of making me feel so special, kinda unique & I miss him deeply.

V-Day makes me think of 3 of my dearest friends: Idaly, Monica & Sulema. After all we've spent some Valentine's together, sometimes celebrating our "freedom", some others simply trying to forget we were alone in such a romantic day =P No matter what the reason was, just wish they could know what they mean to me; no words can explain how blessed I feel that I can call them my friends. Thanx for all the great times together, for the laughs, for the tears, for the "I told you so", for the pieces of advice that sometimes weren't really welcome; for the ups and the downs in our relationship that has keep us together since we were twelve, gosh, that means we've been friends for 18 years, WOW, we're officially old hahaha.

Lots of memories getting up together, some of them stronger than others... Yours is well preserved, maybe because it was my first Valentine that felt like it mattered. We're not friends anymore but that doesn't mean we weren't before. Thanx for being one of my fave Valentine's memory along with the TeddyBear & his Kisses.

Men In My Life

February is the official month of Love & Friendship, therefore, I'd like to make a post of 3 of the men that I love the most. All of them own a special place in my heart; they're part of me & I will love them forever.

To make this fair enough, I'll talk about them in order of age =D, which means I'll start by talking about my grandpa.

His name is Salvador Peregrina Mancillas, but for my cousins & me, he's simply grandpa Shava ♥. I love that man with all m y heart, he's such a example, kinda hero for me cuz he has achieved a lot of the things he set his mind into. I will never forget how he took my tiny hand when I was like 5 years old and we were at San Felipe and he taught me that I shouldn't be afraid of the sea. While everybody was having fun I was simply staring cuz I didn't dare to get into the ocean, he saw that and went straight to me, held my hand and said "Come, you're with me and nothing will happen, the water is really nice at the moment for you to be missing it". Grandpa has always been big & strong, so all my fears went away when he took my hand & we got into the ocean together. I treasure that moment deep in my heart ♥

Now's the turn to talk about my dad ♥, his name is Sotero de Jesús Peregrina Buelna, but everybody knows him as Güegüenche or Güegüe.

My dad has a free spirit, he owns the kind of soul that could never be tamed & that kinda makes me admire him. He's a very uncommon man, with a very complicated way of thinking & often, it's kinda difficult to understand him, but there's no doubt about that he has a great heart. My dad has had his own weird way of teaching me lessons in life, and I have to admit that one of the greatest things is that I know that I can talk to him about anything & he will try to understand before even thinking about judging me.

He taught me how to weld, which doesn't happen that often when you're a woman. I love baseball cuz of him & I kinda think we share the wildness in our souls.

Last but not least, I'd like to talk about the man that dared to share his life with me. His name if Getjan Demming ♥, and he happens to be my husband.

Janjan is someone very special, he owns an unbelievable ammount of patience; he has giving me the most pure form of respect in love. Most of the times I get along with crime cuz he kinda doesn't know how to say NO to me. We've had our ups & downs but I know there's no one else I wanna share my life with. Most of the times I see him as a big child, he can be the cuttest thing, very silly & funny, some other times he's like a grumpy old man =P but well, he loves me deeply & I'm very thankful for that ♥.

Janjan has a very unique way of dealing with my weird moods, he knows when I need my space & when I need a hug. He has forgiven my mistakes & accepted me just as I am, he's the reason why I try to change who I used to be & improve myself every day.

Invierno En Holanda

Hace días que he querido sentarme a escribir, pero francamente he tenido muchísimas cosas que hacer y no me he dado el tiempo necesario para contar un poquito sobre mi invierno aquí en Uithoorn, donde vivo con mi esposo y nuestro bello canino.

La temperatura ha estado entre 2ºC y -10ºC, sí hace frillín a veces, pero nada que un buen suéter, abrigo, guantes, gorro, calcetínes gruesos y unas botas no puedan solucionar =P

A mi me fascina el clima frio, ah soy tan feliz cuando está helado... al menos eso pensaba yo hasta que descubrí que te puedes dar tremedo porrazo caminando en "la nieve" (más bien en lo que fue nieve y ahora es una infeliz capa de hielo maligno) después de una larga noche de viento, brisa y temperaturas congelantes. Gracias a Dios a mi no me ha pasado nada, pero ya me tocó ver a una pobre señora que se dió en tutta la madonna; lo único que pude hacer fue brindarle mi mano para levantarse y preguntarle si estaba bien (bendito sea Dios que Weechee y yo estábamos como a 20 metros de ella sino capaz que cae sobre mi pobre perro =S).

En fin, tomé unas fotos de ayer mientras salí a dar un paseo con Weechee después de llegar del trabajo. Me divertí mucho haciendo bolas de nieve que el tontoleco de mi perrito correteaba y se quería comer =D; no hay nada como respirar el aire frio y limpio de una linda tarde de blanco invierno, ir a casa y hacerte una rica taza de Chai.

Esta última foto la tomé desde la entrada de mi depa, con todo y que ya tenía mis deditos congelados ^^